Quarantined thoughts

Ladies and gentlemen, here we are, in quarantine. To some quarantine has been the best thing that has happened to them. To the rest of us, well... to be honest, we feel in prison. Yet, somehow, someway, it's a blessing in disguise. I would be lying if I said my time in quarantine this past month has been productive. Other than my workouts, to be honest, I have been home all day practically lying on my bed watching episodes of pointless T.V shows that have absolutely no meaning. (Which, seems like some people are pretty much doing the same.) If I have shared with you, then you know how much I struggle with anxiety. So to quarantine someone who struggles with that, it's a prison. Moving on...Annoyed, I decided to turn on Hulu, to my luck Hulu did not want to connect I had no other choice but to turn to Netflix. Let’s just admit after Friends was removed, Netflix doesn't have the greatest options. It didn’t take long at all when I decided to just swallow my pride and watch a movie called “Christian Mingle”. If you have not seen that movie, I suggest you do it. The movie is what got me into my deepest thoughts, which later lead me right to here. Is it weird that in some sense I found my self in that movie? I saw my self being a Gwyneth. It felt like what is in my heart has to be written, here on my blog.

Many look at me and see a tall 5’8 girl with a smile on her face. People almost automatically assume I’ve got it all down. From my job to only God knows whatever it may be. I can simply say, at this point in my life I do not know what I am doing, where I’m going or what God has planned for me. Here I am, little Ol' me trying to find my self among the mess of this world. I have watched many people walk in and out of life. I have watched many friends create a family for themselves. I sit there thinking about what am I doing wrong. Where am I going wrong? Silly to say huh? I can bet right now that at this point you're thinking what is the point of this? Or simply, you're rolling your eye.

Well, here it goes. All my life I have been searching for something, something bigger. Most of the time I call myself strong, why not? It’s easy, it satisfies that underline need to explain what I’m feeling. Most of the time I’ve caught myself lying there empty. Most of the time that has led me to a long and hard cry out to God. I mean why not; when in despair blame God, right? I have found my self so often just going with the common flow of life and then something terrible happens in the world. I look at it and I get turned off to it -- God, faith, all of it. You would not be human if you did not question life, religion, who you are, what your doing with your life. In the shortest time of my life, where now is my time to stand and make it all right here is what I have learned. Everyone always expects me to hold it all together, but life sometimes hits me and I have a hard time holding on. I try way too hard making others happy, most the time I forget about my happiness. I follow what feels right, and along the way, I have lost who I am. I fall one too many times before I learn. I fail to see certain people are not as pure as I dreamt of them being. Sadly, people will fail you and me. We go above and beyond for people who won't for us. Over and over again you see yourself fighting the same fight. Most of the time when something happens you tell yourself -- to fit into this world we need to be some top-notch, powerful, have it all walking character.

Friend, If God has made you a giver, your hands are born open and so is your heart; and though there may be times when your hands are empty, your heart is always full, and you can always give things out of that. Warm things, kind things, and sweet things. Help, comfort, laughter – kind laughter is the best of all. I have learned that in most beautiful ways possible. Your heart is going to break once or twice; it’s only the way of life. Your world is not falling apart, it’s only falling into place. You will meet people who will inspire you. You will learn that your faith is all you have so hang on as tight as you can to it. Pray and dream so hard that you beat all your fears. It’s ok to cry because we all have feelings. As time passes you change because the things that you encounter and conquer make you grow and mold you into the person you’ll ultimately be. Through the past 3 years with heartaches and a lot of “I miss you”, a lot of why’s? And how? I have learned that I won't always have the answers to everything right away. I do not have to explain my self to everyone. I do not owe anyone an explanation of what I do. My life is mine, not theirs. Being sensitive is not a flaw and loving God is not wrong. It only means I love deeply and think deeply about life. I am loyal, honest, and true. The simple things sometimes mean the most to me. I don’t need to change or harden. My purity is what makes me. Your purity is what makes you who YOU are. Never give up, just because it may take some time to accomplish whatever it may be. The time will pass anyway. The sky will always be blue and the grass will always be greener on the other side.

With lots of love,

Angie