Making a decision to handle anxiety

This is taking a lot out of me to publicly publish this. I am not ashamed of my anxiety; in general, I'm fairly open about my mental health issues, but only to people who either have a reason to know or who I can trust. It’s the part of my life that I now embrace.

Let me start by saying friend, if you struggle with anxiety, I am here to tell you it’s ok. It’s ok to not be ok. One in thirteen people suffer some sort of anxiety. Some of us just suffer more silently while some are more expressive about it.

Over the years my anxiety has had peaks and troughs. Each morning was a struggle. It’s as if anxiety wakes before me and waits so that when I open my eyes it’s already here punching me in the stomach. Many times I’ve had to stop to wipe tears and practice deep breathing through nausea, which is how my anxiety manifests itself. All the stopping I have to do to psych myself up is so time-consuming that by the time I’ve psyched myself up enough to leave the house, I’m already late. Everywhere. I felt embarrassed to tell people the truth and I would also tell myself that it wasn't anxiety. I was in denial. It kept getting worse and worse until I had such a bad panic attack at work. This was a turning point for me to reach out, to admit to myself that I have anxiety and get help.

I finally gave in to seeing a psychologist.

Seeing a psychologist was the hardest thing I ever did. Why? Well… if you’re Armenian… then you know all that is said about this. To Armenians, it’s seen as shameful. Embarrassing. Just a business. What psychologist? Who needs a psychologist?. If you’re a Christian Armenian…then boy is having a psychologist way overlooked.

Friend, you can have Jesus and a psychologist too. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” - Philippians 4:13

My short story

My journey has been an interesting one. Growing up to non-English speaking parents forced me to grow up faster than I needed to.

I want to be honest about this though, what helped is that I finally spoke about my fears of never becoming, about family member issues, never being seen, and my problems as the woman I want to be. My psychologist helped me realize that all these years I was carrying a heavy burden of what others have said about me. I retaliated by resenting them and mistreating them. Sadly, along the way, my actions burned a lot of bridges. It’s been so heavy on my shoulders that I had downloaded all those “you’re such a…” that I believed I was a failure. One of the worst things to go through is having family members and others make you feel like you’re less of a person. As normal human behavior, you generally react to hurt in two ways - by giving them a taste of their own medicine or just crying. Hear me out… that is the worst thing you can do. Do NOT give someone a taste of their own medicine. It’s going to hurt you in the long run, not them. You see when Judas betrayed Jesus, did Jesus do the same? No. When Peter denied Jesus three times, did Jesus do the same? No. Jesus continued to love his disciples.

See all this time all the pain I was carrying was the mistakes I had made. I never wanted to hurt any family member. Yea, they hurt me and I kept contradicting myself by saying, but heck… I was a kid I didn’t know any better. For me to move on, my first move was to love those who hurt me. Man… it feels soooo good to let go. I now just smile at those family members who have hurt me, I apologize/apologized for my past childish mistakes, have small conversations, lend my hands for help when they need it, and I pray for them. What I took from my psychologist is that I am no longer a victim of my past. I am loved, blessed, forgiven, seen, chosen.

For as long as I can remember I have always been the kid that teachers would complain to my mom that her daughter would smile even when a teacher would get upset. See, I was never the girl to show my emotions right then and there. I would go and hide, cry it off, go back to class as if nothing happened. As I grow older, seriously…… holding my emotions in literally feels impossible. I was the girl who was in dance teams and all those extra curriculum activities. I volunteered for all my summer breaks. I would try to be friends with everyone. High school was terrible. I came across a lot of mean girls and boys. I mean Lindsay Lohan Mean Girls- mean. I had a boyfriend who I thought was the only one for me, but he was very emotionally abusive. It took my mom 5 years of telling me to let go until I realized the damage he did to me. I silently battled my own mental emotions and struggles of wanting to be seen. He never allowed me to have girlfriends, I couldn’t do my nails, he checked my phone all the time. His insecurities slowly became my insecurities. I went on to become an adult without having any friends. If you want me to be honest, my friend was my mom. If I wanted to go to the mall, it was with my mom. I wanted Starbucks, it was with my mom. If I wanted ice cream, It was with my mom. If I wanted to just get out and stroll around the city, it was with my mom. I was lacking the most important part of my teenage years, which was social interaction. I had to get my first job in high school to push my social skills to develop. I learned that it is not my job to fix insecure people. It’s my job to fix the part of me that resonated with their insecurities. Thank you, Dr. Caroline Leaf, for that.

Managing anxiety

I don’t like to use the word “manage” because sometimes the more you resist your mental health condition, the more it backfires. The more we avoid pain, the less we value and grow from those things that bring us that pain, the less meaning we feel about our lives. What people don’t tell you is that anxiety is so hard to manage. Now depending on the level of anxiety you face, what you need to understand is that most of the time anxiety develops from past or present circumstances. Anxiety is the irrational thoughts that consume your life. Yes, we know they are irrational, but it’s real. It is real feelings we can’t grasp onto. So…we go into a dark place.

It’s time to a heart break….

I don’t mean a heartbreak like a relationship break up kind of thing. No, I mean give your heart a break. Amid all my chaos I took some time off, I did some traveling - mostly some soul searching. I learned a thing or two about my strengths, abilities, and passions. It took twenty-nine years of my life to truly find my passion and my calling. It’s ok though. I met my redeemer who anchors me on a daily. So take a deep breath and surrender to it. Surrender to your negative, dark thoughts. Let them come and observe them.

I am now nearly about two years into my recovery journey and I embrace my anxiety. I have the tools to cope with it, going on with my day. I would be lying if I said it’s easy. I still have my days where it’s hard getting out of bed. Now all I want to do is help others.

The best thing you can do to someone who suffers anxiety but don’t know how to help? Just listen to them. It is so liberating to be able to talk to someone without being judged. My boyfriend does such a good job at this. It’s the biggest weight taken off my shoulders and I feel so much better at the end. We do not expect you to be an expert or know what you are doing when we talk to you. Just listening can make a massive difference. Please don’t tell us we will be ok. We don’t want your opinion, we just want you to listen.

The stigma

Stigma is a really big issue and I feel this is why so many people feel they cannot talk about this. I now know it is okay not to feel okay and I want others to feel this way too. My mental health does not define me. It does not define others. It does not make us any different as individuals.

To anxiety: I have a God far bigger than your issues. Come at me, bro.

To my friend dealing with a mental issue: I get you, friend. It’s ok to not be ok. We’re in this together. Sending virtual hugs your way.

With tons of love,

Angie